Skirt steak, cilantro and tortillas -- oh my!

I took a break from writing over the long holiday weekend, both my writing/editing job and my food writing here. I spent four days hanging out in the pool with my husband, cooking some, eating out some, sometimes just raiding the fridge for leftovers. It was a very chill out couple of days. 

One thing I did make was a skirt steak. Our local supermarket rarely has skirt steak, so when I see it, I snap it up. 

This time, I was determined to make my own marinade. I absolutely loathe bottled marinade, they never seem to taste right. I don't know what it is about bottled marinades, but they have both an unpleasant aftertaste AND an unpleasant mouthfeel. The only one I ever had that I liked is a brand that's not available in Pa. 

What I was looking for was a Southwestern-inspired marinade, so this is what I came up with. It's an amalgam of several different marinades, with my own ingredients tossed in as well -- mostly extra cilantro. You can never have too much cilantro.  

1/2 cup soy sauce

1 cup pineapple juice

1 tablespoon ground cumin

1 teaspoon minced garlic

juice of one lime

bunch cilantro, chopped

Combine all ingredients in a small bowl and mix well. Place steak in a plastic bag, pour in the marinade, and marinate all day.  This was enough for about a 2-pound steak, which I then grilled for about 3 minutes per side. Skirt steak is thin; you don't want to overcook it. 

So, then, as I was making all of this and deciding what side dishes I wanted (I settled on kale chips and a cauliflower "rice" and zucchini stir fry), I realized that it would be even more amazing with some homemade tortillas. Since I had made them once, and had made a huge batch, I knew I could make a small batch fairly quickly, and that's just what I did. It was a phenomenal meal. 

I am ridiculously happy that I can make my own corn tortillas. Who knew such a basic skill could be so satisfying?  I may be addicted. 

Here's a picture of my plate that night:  

The next day, I once again made a small batch of tortillas and made skirt steak tacos with the leftovers and served it with salsa and extra cilantro, of course. 

Homemade corn tortillas -- you'll never look back

OMG. That's all I can say about homemade corn tortillas. Warm and soft, with a dense, yet supple mouthfeel that you could just sit and eat plain while making happy little noises. But when you fill them?  Oh my. These are nothing like the cardboard-textured nastiness you get from the supermarket. 

But first, a funny story: this weekend I met a woman who was telling me about all the things that were on her bucket list and she asked what was on mine. I told her I didn't think I had anything on my bucket list, that I was happy with how my life was right now and couldn't see how it could be better. After I made the tortillas I realized that it had been on my bucket list all along. So, check!  

A couple of recipe notes: The main ingredient in these tortillas is masa harina, a specific type of flour made from dried corn. It's hard to find around here; Wende ordered it for me from Amazon.com. You MUST use masa harina; corn flour or corn meal will not work (and yes, I know this from personal experience). Second, you need to flatten the tortillas. You can use heavy books, skillets, a rolling pin, whatever floats your boat. I used this tortilla press. It was awesome. 


Ingredients:

2 cups Masa harina
1 teaspoon salt
water (probably about 1 and 1/2 cups or so)

Directions:

1. Put masa harina and salt in a large bowl. Mix well. Add water until it's a consistency that holds together, as in the first photo below. I suggest using your hands; you need to feel this. 

2. Preheat a griddle or cast-iron pan over medium-high heat. When it's hot, melt some fat on it, such as butter or oil. 

3. Form the dough into balls a bit larger than golf balls. Line your tortilla press with plastic wrap to prevent sticking. Place a dough ball on the press and flatten slightly. Now press it!!!! The result is a flat, little pancake. Toss that on your hot skillet and cook for 30 seconds on each side. Set each warm tortilla aside and cover with a towel to keep warm and moist while you finish cooking. Keep adding fat as needed to the skillet. I re-coated my skillet after each batch. 

I doubled this recipe for 7 people, by the way. Originally, I just made one batch with the 2 cups of masa, and my husband walked by, looked at the plate, tasted one and said, "You need to make more." So I did. 

For fillings I made short ribs seasoned with Arizona Dreaming spice (cooked all day and shredded), traditional ground beef with my own, homemade taco seasoning, and shrimp cooked in olive oil and seasoned with Old Bay. I also whisked up some chipotle sour cream and, of course, had the traditional cheese and lettuce. I forgot to buy tomatoes, but I don't think anyone missed them!

Here are my photos:

Notice how the dough sticks together, like Play-Doh.

This was the first batch. I doubled this and they all got eaten because they were so good we just couldn't stop nomming on them.  

Fixing a homemade mayo fail

The other day I wrote about my first homemade mayo fail. My friend, Rick, read it and suggested a very easy fix. Even though it had been in the fridge for nearly two days, I got it out and left it to come to room temperature, along with a whole egg.  

After a couple of hours in a web meeting where the main theme seemed to be, "Am I going to have a job much longer," I happily went back to my mayo rescue, starting with separating the egg yolk from the white. 

Here are Rick's instructions, which I followed to a "T": 

Begin with everything at room temperature (including the bowl) and whisk together an egg yolk and a few drops of oil. Whisk gently, adding a few more splashes of oil, and it should start to come together without much effort. Pour in the dregs a trickle at a time. Once you're sure it's staying thick, you can use the immersion blender to finish your mayonnaise with the rest of the dregs. Add as much oil/lemon/seasoning as it takes to reach your desired result.

It actually began to come together very quickly when I started whisking, which was, I'm not going to lie, very thrilling. When I was completely done incorporating the dregs and had a fine-looking mayo, I took a taste, added some garlic powder, salt and lemon juice until it tasted just as I wanted it to taste, and put it back into a container in the fridge. No money wasted and time well-spent. 

And if I lose my job, well, there's always another waiting in the wings.  Here are before and after pictures of my mayo. 

In this one, the thin, watery stuff I'm pouring from that container is the mayo fail dregs:  

And this one is the perfect, creamy saved mayo:  

Lovely little sliders

I had my first homemade mayonnaise fail yesterday. It made me sad because it uses a whole cup of olive oil, and I don't want to waste it. So, I put the runny mess in a container in the fridge and figured I'd figure out what to do with it later. 

Then, today, I was trying to think of what to have for lunch and just had this vision of adorable little sliders drizzled with my garlicky mayo fail. 

I just happened to have a pound of grass-fed ground beef in the fridge, and remembered that I had some leftover Penzey's Arizona Dreaming spice mix from Cinco de Mayo, when I made short rib tacos (which were devoured). Southwest sliders? Sounds good to me!

Here's the thing about sliders: they're fun. Even low-carb folks, like me, eat a lot of burgers, we just forgo the bun. And it's easy to get tired of burgers, but sliders make it seem like it's a whole different meal.  

I plopped the meat into a bowl. Added an egg, some chopped onions, fresh parsley, Arizona Dreaming spice (about 1/2 tablespoon), garlic and mixed it all together. While I was forming them into meatballs, I preheated a griddle on a burner of my stove on medium. When it was hot, I melted a bit of coconut oil on the griddle. When it was hot, I flattened the meatballs and plopped them on the hot skillet. 

This is what that step looked like: 

I cooked them for about 7 total minutes, and drizzled them with my mayo fail. For a side, I had fresh veggies I got from the farm store (broccoli, kohlrabi and carrots) with my homemade ranch dressing for dipping. And here's the finger-licking good lunch I ended up with:

I say finger-licking good because you can eat these cute little sliders with your hands, they're that small and perfectly-shaped. Now that's a happy meal. 

Chicken stir fry with cauliflower "rice"

I have never been much of a one for creating my own recipes, although I don't know why that is, but following the Whole30 way of eating seems to have just made me very creative. 

I'm especially drawn right now to "bowl" food. Scrambled, sauteed or stir-fried bowls of deliciousness. 

Of course, I don't use rice in stir fries because rice has absolutely no health benefits whatsoever. That means none, nada, nyet, zero. White especially, but brown isn't much better. Don't be fooled by the "fiber" argument. It's just starch and arsenic. 

Instead, I "rice" cauliflower. It's so easy -- just put some chunks of cauliflower in a food processor, pulse it until the cauliflower is roughly the size of rice grains, and store it in a covered container in the fridge until it's ready to use. It looks like this:  

Can't tell the difference, can you?  

Anyway, I made stir fry yesterday and it turned out great. I melted ghee in a heavy skillet over medium high heat -- about a 7 on my electric oven burner. When it was hot, I tossed in some diced onions and let them cook a bit. Then I tossed in some leftover zucchini and yellow squash that I had grilled the night before, and some leftover chicken thighs I grilled before Rachel Carson. Then, I stirred in a couple of tablespoons of coconut aminos. The result was delicious.  

It's a perfect balance of good fats, lean protein, and a variety of veggies. And it took about 10 minutes, maybe less, to put together. A great lunch! 

Whole30 Compliant Italian Meatballs

I did not post yesterday, because I was too busy, so am going to wrap up two days worth of food here. 

First, I have to say that I'm feeling pretty dang good here on Day 3 of my Whole30. My legs are tired, which is weird, because I didn't do as much physically as I usually do. I had a two-hour meeting this morning, so didn't have time to exercise, and, since the meeting required me to be tethered to my Skype headphones, did not work at my treadmill desk as much either. I did clean the whole house, but that doesn't usually wear me out like this, so who knows. 

Day after tomorrow is Rachel Carson and between work and Rachel Carson prep, it will be a couple of days before I have time to post again. Wende says she's going to join me in the Whole30 beginning on Sunday or Monday, so she'll post as well. However, she cheats on Whole30, so you can't really trust her. 

In the meantime, here's what I ate yesterday and today: 

This breakfast scramble was the bomb dot com. I sauteed shiitake mushrooms and spinach in light olive oil, tossed in some pork sausage that I had pre-cooked the day before while I was cleaning the kitchen, and scrambled it all with one egg and about two eggs worth of egg whites. So good I had it yesterday and today and have enough sausage left for one more tomorrow. 

Remember the chicken and turnip home fries I made on Tuesday? Yesterday I sauteed some sweet peppers, tossed in the leftover turnip home fries and fried them up a bit, tossed in the leftover chicken, cut up, and topped it all with a dollop of homemade mayo, just for fun. OMG. I would eat that everyday, but I'm out of chicken and turnips. On the list!!!!

So then, last night, I roasted a leg of lamb, something I make a lot anyway, and ate it with a salad and leftover butternut squash. I forgot to take a picture, probably because, like I said, it's something I already make a lot so didn't have to be creative. 

However, I also decided to take some time to come up with some Whole30 compliant meatballs for Rachel Carson this weekend, and the results were completely amazing. I was having trouble resisting popping the delicious balls o' meat in my mouth every time I walked by the bowl they were cooling in. I finally tucked them in a storage bag and hid them in the back of the fridge. I'll make some fresh sauce tomorrow night and heat them up in that. In the meantime, here's the recipe:

1 lb each ground pork, veal and beef

1/2 cup flaked coconut

3 eggs, beaten

fresh parsley (I only had about 1/2 cup available in my herb garden, so that's what I used)

medium onion, chopped

1 tsp minced garlic

Italian seasoning to taste (I used about a tablespoon)

Form into meatballs and cook at 350 for 25 minutes.  

For the sauce, I am just going to saute some chopped onions and peppers in olive oil (I have yellow, so will use that), dump in a few cans of Whole30 compliant tomatoes, simmer for a bit, then heat the meatballs in that.  Racers can have theirs over pasta, I will just eat mine as is.  

And that's it, Fort Pitt! 

Whole30, Day 1: I read the rules

Today is the first official day of Whole30. Everything's easy the first day. And maybe the second, so I'm not getting too excited about it all. 

I did spend some time noodling around the Whole30 forums today, and I have to say those moderators are patient because there are some dumb questions being asked -- mostly about bacon and booze. 

About every other post is someone asking, "Can I eat bacon?" And the answer is always, "No," because bacon has sugar and even if it says it doesn't have sugar, it probably does, and because bacon is about 100 percent fat and is just, in general, not a food that is good for you and this program is about eating only foods that are good for you. 

Then, two posts later, the question is: "Can I eat bacon?"

Same with booze. Interestingly, wine seems to be the one thing people most long for. I can dig it. However, the Whole30 "rules" fit neatly on a single PDF page, and about the second line in the "no" column is alcohol -- not even in cooking. And yet every other forum post that does not ask about bacon asks if they can cook with alcohol. 

Sheesh, people, read the instructions. They're simple, straightforward, and free. 

Here's what I ate today:

Eggs are something I eat all the time anyway. This morning I sauteed some fresh shiitake mushrooms and spinach in light olive oil and then topped it with a couple of fried eggs. It was delicious. 

Lunch was leftover veal piccata from last night. The veal recipe was my own, I make it all the time and long ago adapted it for low-carb. The mashed cauliflower was a new recipe I tried from Well Fed. I did not care for it. The coconut oil/milk gave it an odd flavor. I make a bomb-ish mashed cauliflower but it has dairy, so is a no-no on Whole30. I am definitely going to come up with a Whole30 compliant version of mine. I also had a bit of leftover butternut squash (not pictured). 

Here's the piccata: 

Hm. Wish I could figure out how to flip these photos so they're not lengthwise, but I can't. 

Anyway, I was going to grill some chicken thighs for dinner, but my propane ran out and I can't change it out by myself, so baked the chicken, some turnips (cut into chunks), and had salad with homemade ranch dressing made with homemade mayo, both recipes courtesy of Well Fed.  

Here's how that all turned out:  

It was kind of "meh." It would have been better grilled. Also, I wish I'd thought to toss some onions in to bake with the turnips. The ranch dressing was amazing, though. 

I'm starting a Whole30 tomorrow. 

I've always been fascinated by the program and now I'm going to dive on in and try it. I've been struggling with vertigo and a few other nagging problems that I'm hoping a nutritional reset will solve. I've spent the day prepping everything; I made a menu plan, cleaned out the fridge, and went shopping at Whole Paycheck Foods. 

Best of all, I made some mayo from scratch using a recipe from Well Fed, a cookbook written by Melissa Joulwan. If you want the recipe, buy the book, it's worth the money. It's probably on her blog as well, but as a writer I like it when people buy books. 

Here's a picture of my mayo. I'm very proud. It turned out perfectly and tastes amazing. 

I also washed some organic spinach. I love spinach and eat it every day, but I usually buy the bagged stuff. A big part of Whole30 is eating fresh, local, organic as much as possible. Here's my spinach:  

You're supposed to journal on Whole30 and keep track of your progress to help you stay on track, so, since we've been neglecting the blog, I thought I'd revive it just for that purpose. I may even post before and after pics. We'll have to see about that. 

Making a list of meals is also helpful for other people on Whole30 to get meal ideas. That's where I get them anyway. 

Wende had a little lamb....

My Costco membership is such a win sometimes.  However, I usually only use it to buy mass quantities of paper towels, toilet paper, and avocados.  About once every three months I also restock my 4 cubic feet of frozen chicken breasts in my freezer. 

Since we are a household of two, and I don't really like much in the way of frozen meat, I rarely buy any of their mammoth meats.  According to Tish's grandmother, we could freeze everything from Costco salmon to Hershey's kisses in individual portions to keep them fresh - maybe your taste buds die later in life. The second problem, beyond size, is the quality.  I understand that Costco exists mainly to allow people to save money, but I really value quality over price, maybe I'm nuts, but I want it all.  The last time that I decided to purchase a relatively normal sized piece of meat (salmon) from Costco, I split it in two and cooked it two ways, allowing for a total of 6-8 portions from the whole piece of fish.  Basically, I realized once I cooked the fish that I had 3-4 edible portions of food - only because Tish eats anything.  Each night I sadly reheated my rock hard salmon brick and nibbled at it until either one of the cats licked it (they wouldn't eat it either, their Blue food has better quality ingredients) so I could justify throwing it out (to Tish, I'll throw anything out I don't like) or until Tish finished his and would then finish mine.

Since then I have been hesitant to buy meats from Costco, fearing the same issue.  However, last week I was walking to get my avocados when I happened past a cooler of adorable little lambs.  Well, just the racks, but I thought they'd look adorable in a roaster.  Each portion was 1.5-2 pounds, which is the perfect size for the two of us to have two meals.  They were also all about 13-16 dollars depending on size, very reasonable, but it also made me pretty skeptical of the quality.

I decided to roast these for lunch on Saturday with some butternut squash I had on hand.  I spritzed the lambs all over with some olive oil and then rubbed with salt, pepper, paprika, and coated with some fresh minced garlic (both sides).  I then roasted at 450 degrees for about 20 minutes. The lamb is cooked properly when a meat thermometer reads 125 degrees (medium rare).  Let the lamb rest for at least five minutes before cutting between each rib to serve.  Oh and don't forget to take your pictures BEFORE you start cutting.

For the squash I just cubed it and threw it in a plastic bag with a dash of olive oil, some ginger (powdered), cayenne, and curry powder to coat it and then roasted it at 375 for about 20 minutes until it was soft and a little bit crispy on the bottom. You could probably put it in with the lamb even, if you watch it closely and give it a stir once or twice.

My mom was jealous and wanted me to bring her some, but for some reason, the damn lamb wouldn't follow me anywhere.  It must have heard the song before and been suspicious. We will definitely be having a little more Costco lamb in the future.

What the hell is this?

"Pizza" Frittata

My husband, Steve, is a picky eater due to food-related trauma when he was younger. There was lots of food-related trauma, but the worst was when his mother would make something really terrible, like liver, and make him sit at the table until he either finished it or it was bedtime.  

Imagine that: You are an 8-year-old child, sitting at the kitchen table while the rest of your family is in the adjoining room watching Ed Sullivan and you are staring at a plate of cooling, congealing liver knowing that you could never, ever eat it without barfing. Oh, and did I mention that his mother was a terrible cook?  If anyone you know currently engages in this form of child abuse, please call CYF. Thanks. 

As a result, he is very hard to feed, and is completely unfiltered in his reaction to new foods or any food he doesn't like. For example, I will make something that I think is delicious and he will take a couple of bites, start pushing it around his plate, then look up and say, "What in the hell is this?"  Or, he'll eat it and say, "Well, I wouldn't order that again." 

It sounds rude, but it's actually hysterically funny and my daughter and I occasionally replay all of his comments and laugh until we pee. He's not mad, he's just disappointed.  

Anyway, he also travels a lot, and when he finds something out that he likes, he'll email me the menu and ask if I can try to figure out how to make it. The result of that has been some really terrific dishes, like bacon wrapped shrimp stuffed with pepper jack cheese, which I'll make and post another time. My oldest son likes that one so well that you have to give him a limit on how many he can eat when you set them out or he'll just hoove all of them. That boy can eat.

This week I made what I am calling "Pizza" Frittata. He had it at a breakfast place in Chicago. The first time I made it I did it wrong because all I had was a fairly brief description from the menu. Steve neglected to mention that it was actually made like a pizza, with the frittata itself standing in for the crust, then topped with marinara sauce and grated cheese. When I made it the first time, I made it like a traditional frittata and just tossed in the veggies and cheese. When Steve ate it he remembered to tell me about the presentation and the marinara sauce and all that jazz. So now I know.  

One recipe note: these ingredient amounts are all approximates. Frittata's are not meant to be set in stone; use as much or as little meat/vegetable as you like. This is a low carb recipe, but can be made Paleo by leaving off the cheese. Assuming you're not a strict, uptight, Paleo cop, of course. If you are: Sigh.

"Pizza" Frittata

6 eggs, beaten. Add a bit of milk or cream if you'd like. I don't. 

1/2 pound Italian sausage

4 ounces fresh mushrooms, sliced

1/2 cup green onion, diced

20 pepperoni slices, chopped

black olives, chopped or sliced

provolone cheese, shredded

marinara sauce, warmed

1. Preheat broiler. 

2. In a large, broiler safe skillet, cook Italian sausage over medium heat. Remove from pan with a slotted spoon and set aside. 

3. Add a bit of oil or butter if there's not enough from the sausage, and saute the mushrooms and green onions until they soften. Add in the pepperoni, Italian sausage and olives. 

4. Pour egg mixture over the meat/veggies. Cook until the eggs are set on the bottom and partially cooked through. 

5. Put skillet under broiler until the eggs are cooked and the top is puffy and browned. 

6. Allow to cool for a few minutes, then spread marinara sauce on top and sprinkle with shredded cheese. Broil again until cheese is just melted.

5. Again, let it set just a few minutes. Slice and serve! Fruit is a good accompaniment -- potatoes are great, if you eat potatoes, which my husband does not. 

I Got a Chicken: NUGGET!

For those of you that get that, I'm sorry.  For those that don't - you obviously have a better social life than I do on Sunday evenings post-football.  Or you like to keep your dinner down.

Last night I did have a chicken, however I didn't name him because that would be weird.  I only name live animals - and usually not ones I intend to eat.  Luckily, I managed to make the most delicious chicken ever and it will last me through the week for reruns...of both chicken and Honey Boo Boo.

In a side note: this really happened to me once.  It is not photo shopped.

So last night, I actually got home from work early and had a beautiful organic 4-and a half-pound chicken in the fridge.  Match made in heaven.  I don't remember where I heard this, it was a long time ago, but I have always used a very basic method to roast my chicken.  You take your chicken, remove the giblets (duh) and then wash and dry the chicken VERY THOROUGHLY inside and out.  I usually let me chicken dry a few minutes after patting dry just to get rid of any extra moisture.  Then I plop him in a roaster - breast side UP, salt and pepper all over and inside and rub the seasonings in.  Throw (or place gently if you have no sense of adventure) the chicken in a preheated 450 degree oven for 25 minutes.  Remove chicken, use two clean dish towels to flip him (breast side down) and put him in the oven for 25 more minutes.  After this, flip him back over, breasts out, and put him back in (weird chicken man-boobs up) until he is finished cooking.  He will be finished cooking after about an hour and fifteen minutes, or when a thermometer stuck in his shapely thigh reads 165 degrees.  Let your chicken sit on a cutting board for 10-15 minutes to cool off before carving.

If you have a larger/smaller chicken, adjust your weird chicken fantasies and timings accordingly.  Once you make your chicken this way, you will realize why I have strange images of the lovely chicken my bird will become.  The chicken is tender and moist on the inside, even the breast (due to flipping), and has a crunchy delicate skin that is to die for.

While your chicken is cooking - take your giblets, (all except the LIVER which you should definitely put in a bowl, covered, in the fridge temporarily....or bring it to my house...) and put into a small saucepan with 1-2 celery stalks, 1 carrot, and 1 whole onion.  If your veggies don't fit - just break them roughly, no need to chop.  You don't even need to peel the onion.  Cover the giblet/veggie mix with water, cover the pot, and bring to a boil.  Once your water is boiling, turn down to a simmer and let simmer for an hour. When you pull your chicken out of the oven, turn off the stove and strain your (now) broth into a large bowl or measuring cup.  Push on the veggies and giblets to extract all the extra juice and flavor.  Set this aside for GRAVY!

Back to the roaster...put your roaster (rack removed, if you used one) with all the yummy drippings over two burners over medium high heat.  Scrape the bits from the bottom to loosen, chop your saved liver (THIS IS A MUST PEOPLE - I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE LIVER - BE A MAN) and throw it into the roasting pan.  Stir continuously to allow the liver to brown.  Once liver is browned, pour approximately 2-2.5 cups of your homemade chicken broth in with the liver.  Then choose your own adventure to thicken your gravy.

To thicken gravy:

1. Gluten/dairy free:  Add almond flour in 1/4 cup increments and stir for 1-2 minutes after each addition until gravy begins to thicken.  I used about 3/4 of a cup total.
2. Gluten free:  Mix equal parts cornstarch and milk in a leak-proof tupperware and pour in about 1/4 cup at a time, stirring 1-2 minutes after each addition until gravy begins to thicken.

Now just carve your chicken, and serve with a side of veggies and gravy. I chose to pan-fry some brussel sprouts and make sweet potato fries because that's what I had - let your creative mind wander.

That...and some wine.  Also, I then gave my kittens some of the giblets used for the broth with a little gravy.  My cat is so lazy she ate them lying down.  I refuse to believe this is a reflection on my pet parenting style.

As a side note, I had some extra broth and no good containers to save it in that would not leak, so my genius self decided to store the extra in a water bottle! I'm just that brilliant.  You may concur.

Also - since I know she is going to say it anyway - the broth/gravy method here is my mother's, which I got from the cookbook my mother gave to me when I moved out with all of the recipes I grew up with.  I just beat her to the punch on the posting.  You'll probably see it again around Thanksgiving.

The Pennsylvania Tomato Sauce Massacre

I'm not sure if this title is even adequate to describe the cooking event of this weekend.  I recently started doing the Whole30 program for January and because you can't eat anything with added sugar, I realized that all of my pasta and marinara sauces I keep in my fridge for pizza and spaghetti related emergencies were out.  

Ha...let's be honest...you can't have spaghetti on Whole30 either...only spaghetti squash - and I can't imagine I'll find a Whole30 approved pizza anywhere either, since you can't eat gluten, or dairy, or fun.

Overall, I don't feel deprived, only inconvenienced, which is where this cooking adventure originated.  I was browsing on the web for an easy - no sugar - tomato sauce that I could keep on hand for my variety of tomato related recipes.  I came across this easy 4-Ingredient Tomato Sauce from Simple Bites.

Because Saturday was a beautiful day in Pittsburgh - I mean - 60+ degrees in January?? Come on! I decided to drag the fiancee on a morning walk to Trader Joe's to get the required six 28oz cans of tomatoes. I'm not sure if he realized I had essentially just dragged him out of bed and conned him into both doing my workout for the day with me, and dragging the world's heaviest brown paper bag two miles home.  Either way, it worked.

I find my kitchen to be well equipped, but who on earth has a bowl big enough to dump in 168 ounces of food to puree into oblivion without coating the entire counter with a fine layer of light red pulp?  NOT ME!  Thinking back on my mistakes, maybe I should have used my absolutely enormous wok I always forget I own.  I'm pretty sure I've never used it for any wok related activities...only for mixing.

Since this is my first post, I will note that the idea of me splattering the kitchen with a variety of food substance is something that will be a repeated trend.  I am probably the messiest cook ever.  In the process of making this sauce, I managed to splatter my sink/counter area with tomato puree, and then later in the cooking process, splattered my oven, walls, picture behind the oven, floor, back door, fiancee and kitten with molten lava tomato sauce straight from the pot.  I swear the pot was covered, with the exception of stirring.  I have no explanations.

Regardless, the result of my efforts was a thick spicy tomato/marinara sauce that I thought was as good, if not better than all the store bought stuff I've found and liked.  I actually ate about a cup with a spoon before it even cooled. Second mistake.

4-plus-some-Ingredient Tomato Sauce

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
• 4-5 teaspoons jarred minced garlic (I always prefer this to whole as my lack of knife skills are somewhat dangerous)
• 6 28-oz cans of diced tomatoes
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 2 small cans tomato paste
• 1.5 teaspoons onion powder
• 1.5 Tablespoons (or to taste) of each dried Basil and dried Oregano
• 1.5 Tablespoons (or to taste) of crushed red pepper

Instructions:

1. Set up your splash zones and warn the audience.
2. Pour cans of tomatoes into the LARGEST POSSIBLE BOWL YOU CAN FIND and puree with an immersion blender until smooth.
3. Heat a large, heavy pot over medium heat and add olive oil, when oil is hot, add garlic and stir continuously for a minute or two.  Do not allow the garlic to brown.
4. Add 1/2 cup of the tomato puree to the pot and stir into the garlic.  Let cook for about a minute to allow the oil and tomato to brown and caramelize slightly.
5. Add remaining tomato puree, salt, tomato paste, and spices.  Stir well.  Simmer on medium low heat for at least four hours.  Make sure you stir regularly during this step (every 20-30 minutes) to avoid the sauce burning at the bottom of the pan.
6. Remove from heat, let cool for at least 30 seconds before sticking the scalding spoon into your mouth to taste the sauce.  DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP.  Adjust spices to taste.
7. Cool more and then place into containers and storage bags.  Freeze any portion of sauce you will not be using within a week or so.

I used my fancy sauce to make a big batch of these cabbage rolls from They've Gone Paleo for my extended family to enjoy during the playoff games that evening.  I chose Italian sausage from the meat roulette and they were so good that my mother and I each had like three enormous rolls.  My little brother ate about five for breakfast the next day.  My dad looked at them like they were going to hurt him and pushed them around his plate for about 30 minutes.  Can't win 'em all.

Also, during the later making of the cabbage rolls, I somehow ended up covered literally head to toe in this sauce for the second time that day.  When I mentioned it, the fiancee (Tish), who had cleaned up my earlier debacles  shot back "Well then that makes two of us."  Shut up and eat your cabbage rolls and be glad you're marrying someone who cooks.

Measuring wine

Yes, I am drinking wine out of a measuring cup here. I had to, I accidentally poured out too much. I didn't want to use the wrong amount because it's very important to measure accurately. There was no other solution.  

With the rest of the wine I made Shrimp Chorizo and Dirty "Rice," which I got from the I Breathe, I'm Hungry Blog. It was spicy and filling and easy to make.

But back to measuring. Nothing makes me more irritated than clicking on the reviews for a recipe and reading this:  "Well, I didn't have any cheese, so I used sour cream and I didn't have ketchup, so I used a packet of Taco Bell hot sauce that I found in a drawer and I didn't have a pork tenderloin so I used a pound of ground beef. It tasted terrible, I don't know why everyone else says it's so good."

So, of course, they give the recipe one star even though, technically, THEY DID NOT MAKE THAT RECIPE! My rule is this: you make the recipe the first time exactly as written. Then, if you don't like it, it's legit. Otherwise, you're a moron. Also? If the recipe has only 5 ingredients and you don't like 4 of them, find something else to make because this won't end well.

Seriously, if you're a terrible cook and are also a random measurer/direction follower, then that's your problem. Buy some measuring cups and reading glasses and try again.